A therapist's tips for coping with people who will never love you

Those with traumatized brains often make instant associations between neutral or happy events and traumatic ones. When my grandkids line up their toy soldiers five-across, I am reminded of concentration camp victims lined up that way. Seeing the ecstatic faces of Olympic medal winners, I thought of the triumphant call made by a terrorist from Kibbutz Mefalsim to his Gazan parents on October 7, boasting, “I killed 10 Jews with my own hands!” They praised his “courage,” thus satisfying a strong human need for parental approval – for a very wrong reason!

Just as people suffer from physical starvation, they also suffer “emotional starvation” if their needs for approval, security, and guidance are not met. When children are not hugged often or valued by adults who show interest in them, or are criticized, smacked, or ignored, they starve emotionally. Emotional starvation results in a profound sense of existential loneliness and shame, causing them to conclude, “If I’m not loved, I must not deserve it.” They may not realize that real love is unconditional; it is not something that needs to be “won” or proven. So, the love-starved will jump through hoops, like animals in a circus, to garner a bit of attention, whether positive or negative. Hoop-jumping begins early as children seek ways to avoid a parent’s incessant criticism, angry blow-ups, or callous indifference. They make themselves feel secure by creating optical illusions and seeing love where it does not exist. They are not capable of thinking the unthinkable, i.e., “They don’t really care.” While the body feels the pain, the child will deny, rationalize, normalize, excuse, and tolerate abuse. Children feel that they are defective and deserving of punishment if all outsiders insist that the abuser is not accountable.

Emotional starvation is the basis of all emotional distress. It is the main driver of all addictive behavior. The immature mind cannot bear unpredictability, uncertainty, injustice, or insanity. We need narratives that make the world make sense or at least predictable. Thus, many love-starved children eventually marry “starvers,” as the brain seeks what is familiar. It’s no wonder “marriage” and “mirage” have similar letters, as the love-starved learned to see love where it didn’t exist. They can jump through hoops for years, waiting for a spouse or parental substitute to make them feel worthy. This is how American negotiators seduced otherwise savvy Israeli leaders into signing fake peace accords with demonic terrorists. They made the sadists appear peace-loving and reliable. Any resistance was met with scorn and threats. “People will think you’re bad for being anti-peace! Erase the past! Trust terrorists to keep their promises.” How silly to believe such fantasies. Yet, how human! We began deluding ourselves at an early age.

Fantasies about love are often conveyed in popular songs, like the 1960s’ Motown hit “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me! Yes, I will!” Or Elton John’s plaintive lyrics “What do I gotta to do to make you love me? What do I gotta do to make you care?” Such songs reflect delusional thinking:

British singer Elton John performs during a concert in Tel Aviv June 17, 2010 (credit: REUTERS)

“Everyone has an internal code panel; I just need to punch in the right numbers to get anyone to love me.”
“No matter how heinous their crimes, everyone has an inner core of goodness, so I can forgive and erase the past.”
“If I don’t get their love, I’ll try harder because it’s there. If I don’t succeed, I’ll find a therapist, rabbi, self-help book, fortune teller, or astrologer to help me get their love.”
“All people are basically similar to me, so if I’m good, they’re good. If I love X, that means X must love me. If I seek peace, they must want it, too.” Such delusions keep people jumping through hoops forever.

The truth is simple, but difficult to accept. There is absolutely nothing we can do to get people to love us! At any given moment, people are giving us all the love, understanding, and appreciation they are capable of giving. If we’re not getting the love we seek, it’s not because we failed to crack their personal code or didn’t try hard enough. We have no control over people’s hearts. We can’t control what excites or bores them. Their lack of interest may be a function of “no chemistry” or an attachment disorder that makes them fear human closeness.

Then there are people whose “love” we cannot get because it doesn’t exist. According to research published by the Mayo Clinic in 2021, members of the Dark Triad – narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths – are incapable of experiencing love. While they range from mild to monstrous, they lack the ability to form truly caring bonds of trust. Yet, they are highly adept at presenting a fake show of love to worm their way into people’s hearts or bank accounts. Victims don’t know that they seek control, not connection, that their relationships are transactional and opportunistic, involving kef, kesef, koach, and kavod [pleasure, money, power and prestige]. People are mere objects who exist to provide “supply.” This can be sex, money, attention, services, social status, adoration, or shallow companionship. People have no intrinsic value. Each interaction is a power struggle; one wins, the other loses. One dominates, the other submits. To them, “love” is a weakness. After all, since they deceive and manipulate, they think everyone else is doing the same thing. As Niccolo Machiavelli said, “It is safer to be feared than loved.”

Coping with those on the Dark Triad

Nosh-Posh-Cosh: To test if you are dealing with the Dark Triad, check their shame level. Note an incident in which you feel irritated or insulted. Then ask: “Do you realize that what you did caused me pain?” If they feel bad and apologize, you’re on safe ground. But if they attack you as lying, exaggerating, or crazy (i.e., dramatic/hysterical) or deny that they did anything wrong, go immediately into a stoic NOSH-POSH-COSH mode: be Nice & shallow, Protective & shallow, Cool & shallow. Act like them – invulnerable and unemotional. To be vulnerable is to be human. They act so invulnerable and cruel because they are not fully human.
Be shallow & business-like: While members of the Dark Triad are often angry, their victims must never express dissatisfaction with them, as doing so is an ego injury which justifies hurting you back 100-fold. To them, your pain is evidence that you are the insane and abusive one. As hard as it is, learn to inhibit the urge to go D.E.E.P.: do not Defend, Explain, Excuse, or Personalize (see Dr. Ramani Durvasula). Their anger and accusations are attempts to dominate and break your spirit. When they threaten, demean, dismiss, or demonize you, adopt stoic calm as a spiritual goal. Practice NOSH MODE in front of a mirror. Imagine them saying that you are stupid, ugly, crazy, boring, inept, messy, dirty, evil, etc. Imagine them making paranoid accusations and claiming that you hurt them with malicious intent and you are to blame for misery. Imagine them saying, “No one will ever love you. You’re a total loser and will never succeed at anything.” In an unemotional business tone, with five words or less, say:

1-Word magic: “Oh.” “Ah.” “Mmm” STOP RIGHT THERE! Do not defend yourself or try to change/educate/fix/convince/influence/sway or save them!
2-Word magic: “I hear.” “I see.” “I understand.” STOP! Do not try to change their feelings or opinions, as they will view this as you insulting and disrespecting them.
3-Word magic: “That’s a possibility.” “You seem upset.” “What’s your solution?” “That’s your truth.” “That makes sense.” Their beliefs and actions always seem true to them. Their rage is always your fault. You can say, “Tell me more,” but only if you are prepared to hear more lies, accusations, criticisms, and complaints!
4-Word magic: “I see your point.” “I’ll think about that.” “I hear your opinion.” “Let’s agree to disagree.” “We hold different realities” “What was your conclusion?” (When I didn’t call/the dinner wasn’t ready/I wasn’t available?)
5-Word magic: “That must be so frustrating.” “I see you really believe that.” “What exactly do you want?” “You’re entitled to your opinion.” “I’m me and you’re you.”

Practice: It takes practice to GO NOSH. It means you do not try to build bonds of trust or love as you would with normal people. You do not assume that everyone wants peace as much as you do. You do not trust that your lawyer won’t collude with the other side or that those wearing religious garb are all kind and moral. Before taking meds, you check out the side effects. And you don’t excuse criminals, sign peace accords with terrorists, or trust those who have betrayed your trust and have been unreliable, unstable, and cruel. It’s mature and realistic to not trust everyone.
Know the tricks: Dark Triad types feel powerful when they “starve” people physically, emotionally, financially, intellectually, and spiritually. One trick is to show intense admiration and interest in someone for a few hours or days and then suddenly disappear, leaving the victim with an agonizing sense of love starvation, anxiously awaiting a call or text. Victims will endure extreme abuse to restore the “love” they thought they once had. Another trick is to ask them to do something you know you don’t want to do and then say, “If you love me, you will…” and accuse them of being selfish or crazy for refusing. A third trick is to be unpleasable and criticize every little thing a victim does or says. These mind games are aimed at making victims feel anxious, ashamed, and deserving of abuse for not being “good enough.” No matter how charming they act in the initial pursuit stage or when they need supply, they eventually lash out angrily. Loving spouses and devoted employees are easily dismissed, erased, and replaced. People are disposable. The reason victims cry “I don’t feel loved, seen or heard” is because it hurts not to matter. And it hurts even more to see that these empty entities have nothing to give.
Self-defense skills: Since we all encounter the Dark Triad at times, we need protective tactics. First, face reality. Like cancer cells, they don’t behave like regular cells. They don’t respect boundaries and don’t care if they destroy themselves in the process of destroying their “host.” Try to spot them at Stage 1, before they do extensive damage. Second, don’t excuse bad behavior as being the result of trauma; they choose to be scornful, unpredictable, deceptive, secretive, and irresponsible. This makes them feel superior and powerful. Third, do not drag them to therapy in the hope that they will “wake up,” hear your pain, and finally appreciate your efforts to please and appease them. Experts estimate the change rate at about 3%. Furthermore, many coaches and advisers are themselves members of the Dark Triad who insist that you pamper, appease, protect, and praise the abuser with no accountability on their part. Shallow people sell the hope dope “sales pitch” – i.e., “Everyone can change! Just try harder to please. Give in for peace. Build them up with compliments. Prove your love with gifts. Love means tolerating abuse and insanity. Forgive, even if they deceive, demean, demoralize, and destroy you!” They tell a starving spouse, “Have more physical intimacy. Be excited. Show how much you adore them.” (For this, hoops won’t suffice. You’ll need Simone Biles’ Yurchenko double pike vault!)

While therapy is great for those who seek self-discovery, self-improvement, and enhanced compassion and empathy, the Dark Triad have no interest in internal change. Any “changes” these fake, shallow people make are purely cosmetic, aimed at tricking people into thinking they can now be trusted and that the past can be erased. Merely suggesting therapy is insulting, as it implies that something is wrong with them. And they think they are just fine!

Non-wanting: The hardest skill to practice is “non-wanting.” Give up wanting anything from them – love, approval, support, respect, gratitude, empathy, or understanding. This human “slot machine” may provide a few coins once in a blue moon, but only to keep you hooked on “hope dope.” Be as distant as possible. The emotional bandwidth of the Dark Triad is very narrow, limited to three or four basic feelings. They don’t struggle with depression or anxiety, while the real human beings who live or work with them suffer from stress-related illnesses and mental anguish. They do experience sensual pleasures, like tasty food or a new purchase. They do get perverse glee when they can slander, swindle, or deceive. But mostly they express a wide range of angry feelings, like scorn, disapproval, discontent, displeasure, mockery, disgust, irritation, derision, a grumpy “funeral face” or ballistic rage – all aimed at humiliating, intimidating, and dominating their victims. Be proud of having the courage to face this painful reality.

To those in the Dark Triad, other people’s emotions have no reality. This is how they can grant a new mother only a few days’ maternity leave, as if bonding with a baby has no value. It is how they can promote pornography, drugs, junk food, and environmental poisons to destroy our physical and mental health. They can make doctors work 26-hour shifts and make sure they know nothing about nutrition. As judges, they release pedophiles and other criminals despite hundreds of offenses. A vindictive spouse can have a husband jailed for abuse that never occurred or prevent a loving mother from seeing her children. These employers treat workers like virtual slaves. Sadistic brutes can keep hostages locked in dark tunnels and torture innocent prisoners for “fun.” Yet, they will protest their innocence, act pitiful, and enlist therapists and mediators to insist on “peace agreements” and “shalom bayit.”

Charming is alarming: Since the Dark Triad hold most positions of power, survival requires that we adopt the NOSH mode. Do not expose them, as you may be scorned, ostracized, fired, or killed. Shallow people admire them for being so charming, captivating (literally), and confident. Throughout history, the mindless masses have attacked truth-tellers and treated the Dark Triad as if they were normal, rational, and trustworthy. They blame abuse victims for not making peace, never holding the Dark Triad accountable for the chaos and wars they incite.
Radical acceptance: Radical acceptance means living with the grief of knowing that some people will never see, hear, or value us. It means we don’t waste time or money on fantasies of love or reconciliation or seek love from people who have no love to give. The more we need others to give us a sense of value, the more pain we experience. Radical acceptance means we don’t sign peace treaties with those who want to dominate and destroy us. It means that our source of V.I.P. – value, identity and purpose – comes from ourselves, independent of people and circumstances. Radical acceptance means choosing the people and activities that truly nourish us, and distancing ourselves physically or emotionally from those who cannot provide sustained, reliable, unconditional love.

If you seek therapy, focus on handling the grief and overcoming the effects of emotional starvation. The Dark Triad want us to think we are crazy, bad, defective, unlovable, and stupid so that we won’t see that they have no love to give! If we are self-loathing, we will think we deserve abuse and will turn our rage on ourselves instead of them. Brilliant tactic! The solution is to learn to truly love and respect ourselves. Then we will naturally want to laugh, dance, and sing and be creative and independent. We can view the Dark Triad as existing to force us to develop strengths we would not otherwise discover. We heal by learning to access the infinite compassion of our own SOUL – our source of unconditional love.■

Miriam Adahan is an abuse survivor who helps others discover their inner strengths. She can be reached at miriamadahan13@gmail.com. Her latest book, Raising Spiritual Champs, teaches parents skills to protect children from abuse.